A text from a friend midway through the first half at Twickenham on Saturday could, you felt, succinctly sum up the feeling of the entire crowd at England HQ.

“I’m speechless,” he began, before going on with such ferocity that suggested he was anything but. “This is the most unsatisfying game I’ve ever watched because the game is being determined by one man. How can you rate England on this? Mallett wants shooting for picking Bergamasco at No.9.”

This much was hard to argue with come the half-time whistle. Bergamasco had a hand – or not, in all three of England’s first half scores either by his wayward passing or simple lack of scrum-half nous.

With the Stade Francais man mercifully removed at half-time, we could at least expect a second half whereby England could be assessed on their own merits.

And that is the problem. When they were asked to create their own fortune, rather than profit from the errors of their opponents, England were awful.
 

In contrast to the selections of the autumn, Martin Johnson’s first Six Nations side looks much more like a team picked on form rather than in the hope that it would click.

Andy Goode’s selection at fly-half will grab most of the headlines, not all of them positive given the ever-present grumblings about a Leicester old-boys influence in the set-up and considering the facts that he has nine caps to his name, was never a first choice pick in his heyday and can be maddeningly erratic.

But if you want to deal in yet more facts, he is also the top points scorer in the French Top14, a league not bereft of fine No.10s, and he has achieved that playing in one of its mediocre teams.

Shane Geraghty is on the bench and has the ability to come on and ignite the game as he did in 2006 against France, but has probably not had enough game time to convince Johnson that he should start a match of such significance.

Goode may not have trod the Twickenham turf in an England shirt for over two years, but he his far more worldly when it comes to handling the pressures of intense media scrutiny from now ‘til kick-off and has more experience at dealing with the brickbats when it goes wrong – not that it should against Italy.

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There seems to have been seldom a moment when a dark cloud of some sort hasn’t lingered over English rugby in the last ten months.

Last April saw the abysmal handling of Brian Ashton’s departure from Twickenham before his successor, Martin Johnson, was left watching from afar as some of his players were accused of a serious sexual assault in New Zealand that summer.

Fears over what could emerge only eased after a lengthy investigation by the RFU and the decision of the complainant not to take the matter further.

With those memories fading, earlier this month another of Johnson’s elite squad, Mike Tindall, was banned from the roads for three years after a drink-driving offence.

And now Matt Stevens’ frank and, frankly, difficult to watch TV confession to a drugs problem following a positive test has plunged the highest level of the game into darkness again.

Internet message boards and newspaper columns have already begun searching for reasons why Stevens turned to drugs and many have argued the toss as to whether testing should even cover the use of non-performance enhancing substances.

If being a lonely young man in a city far from home and with a higher than average disposable income is the root cause of Stevens’ downfall, then his is the tip of a gargantuan iceberg in sport and wider society.

That alone makes the opinions of those who would rather see drugs of a non-performance enhancing nature wiped from the testers’ lists seem foolish in the extreme.

It was a day when events in Washington gobbled up far more air time and column inches than the admission of a failed drugs test by a relatively unknown sportsman, but there was one line from Barack Obama those responsible for handing out Stevens’ punishment - and those who report his wrongdoings - might like to dwell on: “People will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy.”

A two-year ban seems the likely outcome for Stevens which will make him 28 when he is eligible to play again, more than enough time for Stevens and those around him to rebuild a player we were all expecting to become a key part of a side that has the potential to be the world’s best.

Stevens can return stronger from this. He made a mistake and deserves his punishment, but he shouldn’t be destroyed. He should be given the chance to put it right.

Alarming signs of football’s culture seeping into rugby cropped up at Twickenham and Gloucester last weekend.

Culprit-in-chief at England HQ was Argentine Felipe Contepomi who, after sprawling onto the turf following his trip on Serge Betsen’s offending foot, got back to his feet to remonstrate with the referee to get his yellow card out, apparently neglecting the fact that he had executed the exact same trip on Dominic Waldouck minutes earlier.

At Kingsholm the following day, Gloucester hooker Olivier Azam went down like a sack of Jersey Royals after Cardiff wing Tom James made contact with the Frenchman’s noggin through his well-padded scrum cap.

James deserved his red card.

Azam deserved an Oscar.

Credit to Phil Vickery for refusing to be drawn into criticism of Leinster lock Malcom O’Kelly after Wasps' 19-12 win at Twickenham, whose stamp on the England prop’s head deserved more than the yellow card recommended by the touch judge. 

Vickery is too long in the tooth to start slinging mud after the event but he would have been well within his rights to have condemned O’Kelly’s action, however out of character it might have been. 

No need to cry over spilt milk when you’ve just put in a display that suggests you are still much longer for the knacker’s yard than most would believe. 

The only fly in the ointment was Vickery’s decision to take the three points rather than kick for the corner and go for the lineout in the 80^th minute when a try would have put Wasps in control of their own destiny. 

Wasps now travel to Castres needing a four-try bonus point win to even stand a hope of reaching the last eight of the Heineken Cup. 

The French side, despite sitting 12th in the Top14, have not conceded four tries at home all season in domestic or European competition.

Leinster, who can secure their progress with their own bonus point win against Edinburgh no matter what Wasps do, have lost only once at home this campaign and slaughtered the Scottish capital team 52-6 at home before Christmas.

Vickery was hardly likely to have had these stats to hand as he made that decision on a blustery night at Twickenham, but what he did know was that Leinster had lost both props and their second row and skipper Leo Cullen to injury.

They were ripe to be driven over their own line and denied a losing bonus point.

But Vickery would also have known that the most ridiculous ELV of the lot - that allows teams to collapse rolling mauls - meant that Leinster’s weakened forwards would have had the upper hand at the lineout.

Essentially, what we saw was a new law denying the best team on the day the chance to give themselves the ultimate advantage.

What sort of improvement to the game is that?

The road to celebrity rebirth is littered with the lame, aching, uncoordinated corpses of those who tried and failed to reinvent themselves as stars of the ballroom or the ice rink.

But among the few who were successful at attempting tango, tap dance or triple salko their way back into the public’s affections, sport has had more than its fair share.

Latest to don the Lycra and reveal lumps and bumps where once resided a mass of muscle is rugby league legend Ellery Hanley.

He had a fine sidestep as a player, but being nimble on your pins across a manicured pitch is one thing. Perfecting the art of merely remaining upright in a pair of ice skates - on ice - is quite another.

The challenge for Hanley is to start the sequin-clad fightback for rugby league because, let’s face it, the union boys have been running away with it.

Two years ago Matt Dawson got all the way to the Strictly final. This year Austin Healey made it to the quarter-final while 12 months earlier Kenny Logan outlasted his wife on the show despite possessing the same capacity for dancing that Hannibal Lecter has for veganism.

And in 2007 Kyran Bracken was crowned king of the ice and has since gone on to star in his own show which, considering he quit rugby with a debilitating back complaint, is astonishing.

What contribution the men from the 13-man game to the Saturday night family fun fest?

You could count Martin Offiah’s efforts on Strictly, but he was a code-crosser.

Hanley has it all to do to restore some pride in the game of the north.

After it was announced that he would be taking part, he said: “Because of my sporting background I'm used to people throwing bananas and calling me all sorts of names.”

Yes, Ellery, but you weren’t toppling about on an ice rink at the time, were you?

We begin another year for International Rugby News by publishing our list of the top 50 players in the world.

It was not a selection process that would get any awards for its employment of statistics nor expert opinion on who should sit where in the pecking order which, when you think about it, makes this list the better for it, though given the location for much of our lengthy debate it may qualify for services to the brewing industry.